Birthday meets Breakdown

TW: Suicide mention and mental health

You all know what time it is….

Or you should, as I have not been shy about posting it.

BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! Call me egotistical. Call me self-centered, but I love my birthday. It may not be for the reasons you think. I’m currently due to have 5 plus parties… That’s just how the cards fall. BUT LET ME DEFEND MYSELF!

​Before we get into that, let me tell you my favorite birthday I have had:

My favorite birthday thus far has probably been my 18th birthday. My best friend, Bill, surprised me by showing up with all my friends when I thought they all hated me. They said they had plans for my birthday, and I was upset because HELLO? My friends didn’t want to hang out with me. But lo and behold, they were all at the park ready to surprise me. I’m not one for gifts all the time. I am a big gift giver, but I am not the type of person who NEEDS  gifts to be shown, love, you know? I would rather have acts of service. Like the surprise party was extreme KINDESS. Surprises are so cute to me because I promise you can tell me about it the day before, and I’ll still probably forget lol.

But aside from my birthday, I love May for many reasons.

When I think about May, I see SPRINT TIME! Like I love the idea of flowers, and summer time, and sunshine rainbows lala. May is often a time of reflection for me, because it’s around my birthday, but also Mental Health Awareness Month. I’m reminded how far I’ve come in my life and how each birthday truly is another celebration of life. Life has become more precious to me as time has gone on. Then the fact that Mental Health Awareness Month is the same time makes it more prevalent. I’ve mentioned this before, and if you are a close friend, you probably already know, but I’ve gotten so many new friends on here!! Let me catch you up really quick.

I have anxiety, and it’s getting eaiser for me to say. I think the more I grow into my body, and into myself, I learn that anxiety is something that is so relevant to us as people. I actually just put a little post out about my anxiety buddy “Martha”. Martha follows me every day, but she comes in different forms. Luckily, I have her under control most of the time, so I can sense when I feel a panic attack coming more and more. However, I have been feeling Martha lately. Usually, I am excited about my birthday each year, but this year feels different. I attribute it mostly to the fact that I am in a weird spot in my life. I am working a lot more, but also looking for another job. This is the first year Nik and I aren’t celebrating together, and I overall just feel eh. It’s nothing bad objectively, but that’s the gag about anxiety. It makes those moments when you feel content ten times worse. So then my brain starts overthinking, leading me to the conclusion that I am a loser. I’m not, but that’s where we are right now as I am typing this. Literally, as we speak, I had a small panic attack. However, with all this in mind, I just want to highlight Mental Health Awareness Month and all things mental health.

I guess I’ll start by saying that, truly, you are not alone. I literally have cooked up the most insane conclusions and narratives in my head that, spoiler alert: didn’t happen because sometimes it isn’t that bad! It’s such a weird thing that the mind can do. There have been so many times when I feel like I am the only person going through something. Like for me, my panic attacks are more inside my head, so you may not see it in my face, but truly, I am flipping out. My chest gets really tight, and my eyes start blurring. There was one time at work when I was already having a bad day. I ended things with a guy I really liked, and had to show up to work the next day. A lot of the time, I am pretty good at hiding, especially since my job requires me to be performance-based. I work with kids, so despite my having a bad day, I want to make sure they have an exceptional experience. As I was at work, I began to spiral, thinking I would be alone for the rest of my life. When going through breakups, it’s so easy to get caught up in all of that. I had a coworker who I love remind me that life isn’t over. This was, if anything, just a blessing in disguise. That guy was evil. Just evil. Of course, panic attacks and other responses to anxiety are different, but the similarity is that everyone gets anxious. They are lying if they are saying they are “cool as a cucumber”; this is just not possible.

Now, to say this, just because I have anxiety doesn’t mean I claim it and make it my personality. I know my talking about it may contradict, but the point I am trying to get across is relatability. There is a difference between claiming and understanding. I understand I have anxiety, so with that understanding, I can sense my triggers. It’s a love-hate relationship I have with it for sure. What triggers do you have? How do you manage them? For me, I take a couple of deep breaths and think about how, in hindsight, it’s really not that big of a deal (depending on circumstance). I also call my best friend Bailey if I sense it. Everyone is different, so what may work for me may not work for you.

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With me wrapping things up, I’ll conclude with a positive note. Although Martha still lurks, as time has gone on, I do a really good job managing anxiety. I’ve learned so many things throughout the years:

1. I can maintain being in high-risk situations
2. I don’t work myself up as much for problems that are out of my control.
3. I’ve actually grown stronger in my faith.
4. I feel more confident.
5. I’m willing to take more risks with things.

These are only a couple of things I have learned; this list can go on and on.

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A lot of people are surprised when I talk about anxiety and that I have it. “Confident” is a word people describe me with, and I love it. I love it for the simple reasons that, yes, I can be confident, but also, Martha is there constantly. That’s the cool thing about being a human: the duality keeps people on their toes, haha.​

I challenge everyone to change the narrative that we are “suffering” with anxiety. I’ll even check myself on it. Why don’t we start saying, “I have anxiety, but it’s not who I am.”

Let’s change the tone when it comes to mental health, and it should not be so defeating and diminishing.

 

My birthday reminds me that I am alive and well. My mental health almost stopped me from celebrating another year of life. It almost ruined everything. I am so glad that I am here and able to celebrate another year. So have ten parties, take yourself for dinner, or even get the most elaborate cake. It is your day!! Cherish each year forever and ever.

Comment below whether or not you like celebrating your birthday and why. I know for sme peopleit can be a bittersweet mome

nt, or people don’t really want the spotlight on them. If you do like to celebrate yo

ur birthday, let me know which one and why?