peace be with you

I wanted this post to have purpose. I know I probably sound cheesy, but that’s just kind of how I go through life, a bunch of metaphors and a whole lot of hope (contradicting I know). A lot of my twenties have been relaxing. I have realized who I am as a person, I have realized that my worth isn’t in my degree. I have realized that people come in and out of your life and recently I have come to the biggest realization I feel like I’ve reached yet.

It’s funny how things fall into place. I had postponed this post because it just didn’t seem right. I tried writing something new, but nothing stuck, except this lingering idea. Well when I went to bible study on Tuesday, I still hadn’t finished it. I was in some kind of rut and honestly didn’t want to go. The last few times I have been going, I have been leaving right after because of this weight I have felt. Riverside, CA has been on my mind more than lately and I think that adds to where my weight was coming from. However, the lesson we learned couldn’t have been more perfect for me to finish this post you are currently reading now.  We focused on Psalms 103 and in verse 3, forgiveness is mentioned, 

“Who forgives all your sins

  and heals all your diseases “

This verse stuck with me! What forgiveness really looks like and what it means to experience peace. I love how God works in my life. I quickly learned where all my anxiety was coming from and that was my inability to forgive a place. Let alone, a place I loved. That sentence sounds kind of backwards right? Like, how can I love a place that I claim gave me so much strife?

For the new faces, I received my undergrad from UCR in Creative Writing! Do I regret going to school there? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I gained a lot of beautiful memories and people from there. I met some of the coolest people on Earth. I met someone who loves her birthday just as much as I love mine. We created beautiful birthday memories together. I was able to host and provide meals (love language) for my friends. I got a sense of independence with my first big girl apartment. Got a flawless grade from Susan Straight (toughest professor in our major). I had a job in social media that sparked a lot of my creative juices in a way I hadn’t experienced. A lot of good came from Riverside and I am beyond blessed about that.

Now this next part, if you are a friend from Riverside, this doesn’t diminish any of the love you gave me, it is just my truth and things I never fully disclosed.

With the good, comes the difficult.

 I suffered with anxiety, suicide attempts, isolation, friendship loss, family deaths, harrasment, and many more things.I know I’ve mentioned these issues in a blog post prior, but I want to give a new spin on it. 

Coming to peace with a place rather than a person is a unique experience. It’s unique in the sense that it holds so much value because it can hold so many things (literally). There are a lot of places in Riverside that if you asked me a couple months ago to go back to , I wouldn’t. My apartment holds so many memories, but also a place where I cried my eyes out after hearing a close family friend’s death. The thought of almost not being able to go due the distance kept me up most nights. I have never cried so much in a month straight. It’s also the same place where I had hard conversations that resulted in the end of friendship. I can’t go to the CHASS building because of someone from the past (men suck). My couch is filled with love, but also moments of shame because I couldn’t pull myself to go to church and watched online instead. I used to walk around Stonehaven (my complex) like a zombie hoping to figure my life out and why depression was even a thing. I felt embarrassed almost to have it even though mental health is not a singular experience. Towards the end of my time there, I used to go to the pool area and cry my eyes out to my best friend at home, so my roommate at the time wouldn’t hear me until she left. When she did leave, I cried more and more, but loudly. I wanted company, but also at the same time I didn’t in fear that I would ruin this perception of the “happy go lucky” persona I put on.I used to curse God for making me feel this way. This agonizing pressure in my chest constantly. I hated everything and everyone, but you may not have noticed. There are many more things in Riverside that happened, and not all I want to share, but I share what I have for a reason. 

When we hold onto things, places, or even people who have hurt us, we let them win. We let them live rent-free in our minds playing mind games. The gag of it all: THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE TO BE IN OUR LIVES ANYMORE. It’s so easy to get caught up in that, but honestly, they probably are not thinking of you. Why would you give them the time and day? While they are off living their lives, you should also be living yours!

Another truth I reached was when forgiving, specifically for this point people, this doesn’t mean I have to reconcile with each person. Granted I can only really think of one, and it’s a situation I didn’t see coming. I used to be so angry towards the person, and resentful that the whole world we had, came crumbling down over miscommunication which built into more. I think back and can say a lot of my reactions were out of anger and honestly I would take some things back. Do I think it was all my fault? No, I acknowledge the other party had a significant role in the problems we had. However, this person is probably not reading this, but I just want them to know that not only do I hope they can forgive me, but that I forgive them. I’m not sure if they think they need to be forgiven, but this is a long time coming. I want to be fully transparent and say my pride definitely got in the way of a lot of things, but mainly my ability to forgive. Will I ever reach out to this person? The jury is still out, as of now I have reached a point in my life where I won’t, but if the opportunity ever arose, I feel like I would know. I love the memories from that relationship, and there are so many things I learned from it that I will hold on to. Although I don’t necessarily (and this sounds maybe mean) desire that relationship again, and I think that is ok. Just because people leave your life and you grant yourself that peace and forgiveness, doesn’t mean they should be back in it. 

As much as therapy is great, God has a lot to do with my ability to forgive. I think also I was missing a part of my life that I love and that was being a christian. My relationship with God is so special to me, and one that I put to a high value. When I reflect on the life of Jesus, He was able to forgive those who literally crucified Him! That is insane to think about. When I put that into perspective, a lot of things change for me and how I view my life. Forgiveness comes a bit easier now, and reminds me is an attribute Jesus had in His life. I want my light and presence to reflect who Jesus is as a person.

 I can say now, I have peace from a place I loved. It’s funny because it quite literally took me a whole year to figure things out and finally let go of so many things I was holding on to. 

Although I feel a bit nervous posting this,I hope this post makes you think about someone who may have hurt you or vice versa. Whether you feel the need to reach out or not, truly dwell on it. Find some time alone,pray, or talk about it with someone you trust. And if you have nobody, I am always here! Forgiveness isn’t linear, but it’s also not impossible. The two items linked below were some of the things that comforted me through a time like this. I hope it can for you too 🙂